Secret 5: Develop Empathy Preached for Wollaston Congregational Church On March 21st, 2021 Scripture: John 12:20-33 Today we come to the fifth secret of the Mister Rogers effect, which is “Develop Empathy.” When Oprah Winfrey invited Fred Rogers onto her show, and asked him “what is the biggest mistake parents make?” he replied “not to remember their own childhood.” The two went back on forth on the challenge for parents of remembering what it is like to be a child, and the need to do so. Rogers closed the discussion by saying “ … children can help re-evoke what it was like, and that’s why when you’re a parent, you have a new chance to grow.” [1] Empathy is not necessarily automatic, but we are given new chances to grow into it, over and over throughout our lives. Our scripture reading this week, comes from the gospel of John. This passage is a snippet of teaching Jesus gives the disciples in Jerusalem, during the week leading up to the feast of the Passover. This is just a few days before Jesus’ crucifixion. Jesus uses the metaphor of a grain of wheat, which needs to fall into the earth and die in order to germinate, grow and produce more wheat. He tells them that those who love their life will lose it, but those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. The analogy might be heard as words of comfort for believers: when they die and are buried in the earth, they will transition to eternal life. But this interpretation does not make sense in the context. Jesus wants the disciples to serve and follow him in this life. He wants them to bear good fruit before they actually die. In the gospel of John, this world, refers to the “fallen realm” that is estranged from God. This world is set up to oppose God’s purposes. It is this world that values winning over mercy and compassion. It is this world that seeks violent revenge for perceived slights. It is this world that drives young men to shoot up spas that employ young Asian women. This world is the system that treats certain people as expendable objects, instead of beloved children of God. To die to this world, or to hate one’s life in this world, means to break open, like a seed in the ground, to new, Christ-like life. It means to break open to empathy, with the suffering of the world, on both a small and a grand scale. There is a double meaning in this text. As Jesus goes on to tell the disciples how he will die, and be raised up again, he is telling of God’s great act of empathy for humanity. God’s body – incarnate in Jesus - has lived the a life of a servant in the world – and now God’s body – incarnate in Jesus – will be broken open on the cross. The disciples are called to die to self, in order to break open to empathy. And at the same time, God shows empathy for all people by coming in Jesus and going to the cross with and through Jesus. This is empathy on a grand scale. Anita Kuhnley, author of our Lenten book “The Mister Rogers Effect”, writes: “True empathy feels what another feels from their frame of reference … Empathy requires true adventuring and walking around in Joe’s world so that I might be able to understand him better.” [2] Kuhnley explains that psychologists break down empathy into the cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand another’s perspective. Affective empathy is the ability “to respond to another’s emotional state with a corresponding emotional state of our own.” [3] Affective empathy takes courage, because the other person might well be feeling pain, they may well be suffering. This is why we often resist empathy: we do not want to feel the other’s pain. I remember a time when I had become friendly with Alana, a woman who cared for some children in my neighborhood. The family’s children and mine were close in age, and we’d often find ourselves at the same activities. Alana was from Brazil and she looked as though she might be African American. She told me that when she brought the children in her care to activities at the gym, the staff on the door were unfriendly toward her. She told me that she was experiencing racism. I minimized her experience, saying “oh those staff are not friendly to me either.” I didn’t empathize with Alana’s experience of the micro-aggressions she was experiencing in our mainly white community. I only heard what she was saying from my own perspective. I regret that now, and I realize that it is probably the reason we fell out of contact. The chapter “Develop Empathy: Begin with People Where They Are” opens with the quote “There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story.” [4] This reminds of MM the person who supervised me during my Clinical Pastoral Education or CPE program in an eldercare facility. As part of my preparation for ministry, I was required to provide spiritual care for residents in the facility. I noticed the way that MM showed love and empathy for practically everyone in the program, and also for the staff and residents of the facility. One day, I asked what was her secret? How did she manage to love so many people? She responded, “oh well, if you look hard enough … you’ll almost always find something to love in anyone.” MM is a listener, like Fred Rogers. In her program she works to develop empathy in all her students. To develop greater empathy requires us to break open, like the seed Jesus talks about. When I first began my CPE program, I was shocked by the suffering of the people I would be providing spiritual care for. Many of them suffered from dementia and other mental challenges like depression. In addition they had physical challenges: hardness of hearing, macular degeneration, loss of mobility. And of course, many had experienced the loss of loved ones: spouses, children, close friends and relatives. This is what often happens to those who grow very old. Each week I’d return to MM for supervision and we’d talk through my interactions. I confessed that I was having trouble getting close to my residents. I’d arrive on the floor in the morning, ready to work. I’d greet whoever was already up and dressed and ask if they’d like to talk. In the back of my mind I figured that I was only going to be there for a few months, so I couldn’t get too attached. Looking back, I must have seemed brisk and business like. When I asked someone if they’d like to talk the answer was usually “not yet” or not at all. They seemed suspicious of me, and they were reluctant to open up. I realized that I need to build trust, to get alongside the residents. I needed a way to use my time, too, so I’d join the group activities, like bingo, or help to serve snacks and drinks at the social gatherings. Gradually the residents began to communicate with me. Gradually I began to listen to their various stories. Gradually my heart broke open to the residents and their circumstances. I began to understand how much energy it took to get up in the morning, or why some would be withdrawn and uncommunicative at times. I began to understand why someone in pain might snap at me, when I approached. It was as if I had been a seed, protecting myself with a hard shell avoiding getting close and involved. In order to develop empathy, I needed to be broken open. This process brought about good fruit. I developed powerful connections with my residents. Empathy is a quality that begins with oneself. We learn empathy if we are shown empathy when we are very young. Ideally a caregiver responds to an infant’s smile mirroring a happy face, and their crying, by mirroring their sad face. But, we all know that parenting is rarely perfect, and some infants are barely shown any empathy at all. Fortunately, empathy can also be learned. Anita Kuhnley recommends “putting on our own oxygen mask first” saying “Replacing the internal critic with a compassionate, kind friend can be transformational.” [5] Empathy toward oneself includes many benefits, such as seeing the good in others, because you are not rating yourself more favorably, or experiencing respect for oneself, and an increased likelihood you will forgive your own mistakes. [6] Empathy for ourselves is where we begin. We then progress to one-on-one empathy. In order to participate in God’s empathy with all humanity, as shown in Jesus, we will also need to embrace empathy on a grand scale. This means showing empathy in the neighborhood and in the community. It means being mindful of the language we use. It means never dismissing anyone who says they feel unsafe. Developing empathy on a grand scale means believing people who tell us they experience discrimination or oppression: - Women know when they are experiencing sexism - LGBTQ people know when they are experiencing homophobia or trans-phobia - Non-white people know when they are experiencing racism - Older people know when they are experiencing ageism. - And children know when they are experiencing bullying or abuse, even if they don’t yet have the language to express it. Our fifth secret of the Mister Rogers Effect opens us up to care and compassion for ourselves, our closest friends and loved ones, and also to care and compassion for the whole world. This is a life long journey of breaking open and breaking open yet again. It is a quality that we develop, and God develops in us if we will allow. “Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies” … Richard Rohr describes this as “The Path of Descent,” saying “Authentic spirituality is always on some level or in some way about letting go.” [7] This is the way of the cross. And so, as Jesus comes closer to Jerusalem and to the cross, may we prepare to break open, yet again, to new Christ-like life. May all God’s people say, Amen [1] Kuhnley, Anita Knight . The Mister Rogers Effect (p. 118). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. [2] Ibid., 119 [3] Ibid., 120 [4] Sister Mary Lou Kownacki, director, Monasteries of the Heart [5] Kuhnley, Anita Knight . The Mister Rogers Effect. (p. 132). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. [6] Ibid., 128 [7] https://cac.org/the-path-of-descent-2017-06-21/
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