An Entirely Different Kind of King Preached at Wollaston Congregational Church On November 24th, 2019 Scripture: Colossians 1:11-20 Today we have come to the last in the 12 steps of spirituality. You might say that this step holds all the others together. Step 12 says that, having done all the steps, we have had a “spiritual awakening”. Also, this Sunday, we come to the end of the church year with “Reign of Christ” Sunday. I have to admit, I get a little edgy when I hear talk of Christ as King. A few years ago a friend of mine completed the 12 steps. He told me that he had come to the realization that he needed to accept God as sovereign in his life. I pushed back at his remark because I resisted the language of Christ as King. As a woman in the church, I want to be free from the patriarchal image of a man wielding power and control. Only, of course, the Christ who reigns is not a man wielding power and control. He is not the Lord of the manor, ruling over the poor peasants. This is an entirely different kind of King. Today we read a part of a letter written to the church in Colossae, a branch of the early church in modern day Turkey. Paul, or someone writing in the style of Paul, reminds the Colossians that Christ is the “head” of the body, the church. They are to be encouraged and to remain strong, because Christ rescues them from their current situation, transferring them to the kingdom of the beloved Son. This transference is not achieved by force, not by battles and weapons. This is achieved because the One who is over all, put Himself under all, by going to his execution on the cross. This was Christ’s great act of suffering with humanity. As Richard Rohr says “from the cross, he draws all suffering people to himself.” [1] The people of the 1st century Greco-Roman world had a particular image of King and that was Caesar, the Roman Emperor. Caesar was held in such high esteem that he was considered to be Lord of all Roman subjects. He was declared to be the Son of God. It was incredibly dangerous for Christians to call Christ the King and Son of God. This was seen as most disrespectful of Caesar and going against the empire. The Roman Empire was an immense operation that spanned the known world. This vast machinery was organized to preserve a peace, known as Pax Romana. So long as everyone knew their place, peace was maintained. Pax Romana was achieved by a strong military presence in the cities and towns of the empire. Religion was tolerated so long as the people’s allegiance was primarily to the empire. The people were kept quiet with “bread and circuses.” They had enough to eat and were entertained by games, in which chariots raced, gladiators fought to the death, and sometimes enemies of Rome were thrown to wild animals. It may be that the small church in Colossae has to endure the persecution of Rome. Or perhaps they are enduring something else. Whatever it is, “Paul” encourages them by telling them that Christ is over all things, and over all powers. They are to live as though powers like the empire and the emperor are not in charge. Instead, God’s rule of love, shown in Jesus, is in charge. This is the source of true peace, the peace of God’s reconciliation with earth and heaven. They are to remember that Christ is an entirely different kind of King. 400 years ago, a bold group of Pilgrims from Scrooby, Lincolnshire in England navigated the Atlantic Ocean in a small vessel. They were flying in the face of the oppressive religion of their time. The English church had split from Rome, but then set up an almost equivalent system: the Church of England. King Henry VIII had insisted on becoming the head of the Church, just as the Roman Church had the Pope. The church required the total allegiance of the population. The King, the Lords of the land, and the church cooperated in controlling the wealth of the land. The Christians in Scrooby, resisted, claiming Christ as their only king. They relied on the scriptures for their source of truth and found the Church of England wanting. And so they set off to begin a new community in the religiously tolerant city of Leiden, in what is now the Netherlands. Things didn’t work out in the Netherlands. It turned out that Leiden was too tolerant for them. The English Christians were particularly concerned about their children being led astray. Also, their living conditions were very poor and they thought they could do better. They believed they were led by God to begin a new community, here in the New World, where they could practice their faith freely and without external temptations. They would not be beholden to the Lord of the manor at harvest time as they were in England. And so they entered into an uneasy allegiance with a British colonial operation, the Virginia Company, and set sail for the Americas. Due to many delays they did not leave until September 6th and of course they encountered stormy seas. They were aiming for the Hudson River but landed too far north. They arrived not too far from here in November at the beginning of a horrendous winter. Fortunately for the Pilgrims, the seafood was plentiful, and there was fresh water. The land had even been cleared for planting by Native Americans who had been eradicated by diseases brought by earlier European explorers and settlers. The Pilgrims took over the abandoned village of the Patuxet tribe. Still, the first winter was very difficult for them. They were not prepared for this new harsh environment and half of the passengers of the Mayflower died. The remainder survived in part because they found a cache of dried corn, left by the Native Americans. Their remaining Native American neighbors also helped the Pilgrims survive those difficult first months.[2] Later they attributed this good fortune to God’s providence. The Pilgrims were courageous in their faith, committed to Christ as Sovereign. And still it seems they were oblivious of their indebtedness to the Indigenous people. Like all ancestors, our ancestors in the faith were flawed human beings. This is something to reflect on, as we consider repairing the wrongs of the past. By contrast with the Pilgrims, with my husband I arrived in Boston following a Trans World Airlines flight from London via JFK Airport on October 3rd 1987. On Sunday October 4th we ventured out into the streets of Boston to seek an apartment. We were met by almost freezing rain. Fortunately, the weather looked up in the following weeks and I enjoyed a beautiful fall getting to know the area, while I looked for a job and secured my working visa. We were fortunate. We had the benefit of education and resources to do all this. I was intrigued by many aspects of American life, and especially the religious life partly inherited from the Pilgrims. I had the impression that US churches were active and preachers were more inspiring than in the UK at that time. It has taken me years to navigate the culture, the separation of religion and state, and how that actually plays out. I have become fascinated by how American Christians understand the Reign of Christ, and how a church that is not “official” operates. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised that the church in America can be every bit as bound to culture as the church in Britain. Of course, King Henry VIII is long gone, and now the United Kingdom has a vibrant multicultural feel. Christianity is still the official religion though and the Church of England is the established church. Queen Elizabeth serves as the nominal head. British people of my generation learned hymns and prayers in school by rote. Generally we know when to stand, sit and kneel during religious services. We barely notice that the traditions of the state and church meld together in the culture and in our minds. “God save the Queen” is the national anthem. From the day I arrived in the United States, Americans have educated me on the separation of religion and state. And now that I have become a part of this culture, I realize that here too, we learn by rote. In this case we learn to give thanks for religious freedom. We do so without really knowing what we mean by it, or how we are called to exercise that freedom. In many ways we are lulled by something like Pax Romana. We have our modern day “bread and circuses.” We have access to so many carbs, sugar, caffeine. We go between a state of sleepy fullness and craving. This may happen to many of us on Thursday, but on that day we have a good excuse because we’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving. Please don’t hear This as a judgment of what we should and should not enjoy. Besides sugar, of course, there are the effects of more serious addictive substances on our society. We plug into entertainment day and night. Sports games and team loyalty have become the new religion. Revenue from media and entertainment is anticipated to reach $2.2 trillion by 2021. And, let me tell you, I am so excited for a new season of the Crown. [3] With all these distractions, have we, the church, lost the passion and the courage of the early Christians and the Pilgrims? Have we lost our hunger for the love of Christ, so that we substitute something else instead? We return to the 12 steps of spirituality for some insight into these questions …. in “Breathing Under Water,” Richard Rohr says “The reason that [Alcoholics Anonymous] has been more successful than most churches in actually changing people and helping people is that it treats addiction both spiritually and as an illness, rather than as a moral failure or an issue of mere willpower … [A.A. reminds us] that addicts are souls searching for love in all the wrong places, but still searching for love.” [4] And so I wonder, Do you think that we are all dealing with an addiction to the culture? Are we searching for love in all the wrong places? My friends, making Christ sovereign in our lives means waking up from our slumber. You might say we are being invited to have a spiritual awakening. Making Christ sovereign does what Paul told the Colossians: it transfers us from us from the powers of darkness, whatever they may be for us, to the Kingdom of the beloved Son. In this transformation our primary allegiance becomes to Christ, over all things. Our citizenship and allegiance is first and foremost to God’s Kingdom, which embraces all of humanity. Because This is an entirely different kind of King. May all God’s people say Amen [1] Rohr, Richard. Breathing Under Water : Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (p. 126). Franciscan Media. Kindle Edition. [2] McKenzie, Robert Tracy. The First Thanksgiving . InterVarsity Press. Kindle Edition. [3] https://medium.com/singulardtv/30-stats-that-reveal-the-economics-of-the-entertainment-industry-18e9a5db493b [4] Rohr, Richard. Breathing Under Water : Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (p. 115). Franciscan Media. Kindle Edition.
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Software Upgrade Required Preached at Wollaston Congregational Church On November 17th, 2019 Scripture: Isaiah 65:17-25 Have you ever had the message “System software upgrade required” pop up on your computer and you sighed inwardly, or even sighed outwardly? The last time you did a software upgrade your old apps stopped working and you had to learn new ways to do everything. It was disruptive. Today we heard a scripture passage from the prophet Isaiah that talks about God’s vision of a new heaven and a new earth. The prophet says that in this great vision the former things will be forgotten. You might say that God’s vision is for a system software upgrade for the universe. And today we also look at step 11 of the 12 steps of spirituality, which says that we “sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood [God], praying only for knowledge of [God’s] will for us and the power to carry that out.” In the book “Breathing Under Water” Richard Rohr describes step 11 as adopting “an alternative mind.” He compares the change of approach to prayer and meditation in this step as a complete upgrade of our spiritual software. I would not be surprised if you are sighing inwardly now and worrying that if you tackle this step it will cause your old apps to stop working and you’ll have to learn new ways of doing things. It is disruptive … and that is the idea. Our reading from the book of Isaiah today is written at a time when the Jerusalem temple has been destroyed. This section of Isaiah is known as third Isaiah. The prophet writes poetically to residents of Jerusalem during this difficult time. They are the exiles, or rather the children and grandchildren of exiles, who have returned from Babylon to find their city and place of worship in ruins. Perhaps they are discouraged by the state of things, but these Israelites have returned to evil ways. The experience of exile and the joy of return has not changed them. The wealthy and powerful live it up, while the poor are forgotten. They fail to observe the Sabbath, they commit miscarriages of justice, and they have become greedy and drunk on wine. At first the Isaiah’s oracles rail against their wickedness. But then, as so often happens, the language turns tender. The passage we heard today comes straight from the mouth of YHWH, the God of Israel. It is a vision beyond anything the Israelites could ask or imagine, a vision of a new heaven and a new earth. It is God’s vision for them and for the world. A vision of peace and security for the most vulnerable … housing, healthcare and food for the very young and the aged … a vision of God’s peaceable kingdom. God’s vision is not set upon what can be easily accomplished. God’s vision is set upon what seems impossible, even beyond the wildest dreams of the people of Israel. And God’s vision is set upon what is beyond our wildest dreams. Alongside this vision we consider step 11 of the 12 step process. In this step we completely rethink our approach to prayer. We let go of our childhood “laundry list” approach to prayer. That is the old app and it is not going to work anymore. And so we are to take on a new kind of prayer in which we open ourselves to God’s will and God’s desires for our lives. Essentially we are opening ourselves to the things we could never imagine on our own. Rather than seeking to change God and God’s actions in the world, we ask God to change us. Author Richard Rohr says that to pray in this way means taking off one “thinking cap” and putting on another. The new thinking cap will move us “from an egocentric perspective to a soul-centric perspective.” Rohr says that when our thinking changes our heart and body will then come along. And this change means moving beyond “all or nothing” thinking. [1] All or nothing thinking means thinking in extremes or polarities. Perhaps you know a small child who alternates between “the best day ever” and “the worst day ever.” Perhaps the day of a birthday party is going to be the best ever. But then one small detail is amiss, the wrong color balloon, or a candle on the cake falls over, and then everything is ruined. Of course small children are just developing. Eventually, if all goes well, they will mature out of “all or nothing” thinking. All or nothing thinking can be destructive for those addicted to substances. You hear it in statements like: · I have never been successful. · Everyone is against me. · No one wants me to succeed. · I will never be as good as people want me to be. [2] And on a cultural level, all or nothing thinking is infecting our political conversation. We have retreated to partisan silos. We tend to think that our political party is all right and the other is all wrong. We have forgotten how to be in conversation with one another. In order to heal our democracy, we need to get over our all or nothing thinking. All or nothing thinking in religion is particularly toxic, as I experienced in my younger years. I loved my home church and was sad to leave when I moved away from home to college. And still, my home church felt sleepy and behind the times. The graduating class consisted of myself and only one other student, with very few others following behind. I was hoping for something more. I had heard about college campus-based ministries, in which young people were full of enthusiasm. At the first opportunity I joined an evangelical group on campus. Without realizing it, I’d let myself in for an addictive religious culture and “all or nothing” thinking. You might say that I was operating on a “gullible app.” I’d sooner believe what I was told than take the time to seek a deeper wisdom. This evangelical group talked about confessing Jesus Christ as personal Lord and savior. This was the only thing that could save you from sin. And sin included just about everything a college student would want to do, in particular sex, alcohol, drugs and rock’n’roll. I’m just kidding … they didn’t care about rock’n’roll. Not surprisingly people found it hard to stay on the “straight and narrow.” Every member was strongly encouraged to attend mid-week evangelical worship and also a weekly Bible study, not to mention one of the various prayer groups. I joined what I thought would be a fun Bible study group led by two guys. They were nice and welcoming but the Bible study confused me. Their approach was nothing like that in my home church and I began to feel more and more homesick. In our meetings we poured over the letters of Peter, chosen because Peter was down to earth. I could relate to that choice. But then bizarre ideas began to surface. There was a lot of talk about things that were considered “bad and wrong.” I realized that I must be much more sinful than I had thought before. And so I struggled to get myself in line with the group thinking. I withdrew from many of my friends. I began to feel shame about my body and I lost quite a lot of weight. I finally saw a red flag one day at the Bible study when an older, authoritarian group member proclaimed “let’s just admit it, all movies are bad.” There was an uncomfortable silence. We had just been to see a movie as a group activity. I was even more confused as I walked back to my dorm room. Was I now expected to stop watching movies? Fortunately, there were people looking out for me at this time. I had friends who knew who I was and cared about me as a whole person. These were the friends who brought me back to a place of reason. They reminded me that I had the ability to make my own decisions and stop using the gullible app. I needed to learn to think for myself. And so I could finally say “no, not all movies are bad” … and “yes, it is ridiculous to say that they are.” Perhaps most important of all, I could also say “I am acceptable to God, living as a happy healthy young adult. There is no need to strive to live a holy life in order to please God.” I am so grateful for my friends’ prodding. The change in perspective made me aware of the toxicity of the “all or nothing” group. And it set me on the lengthy journey that brought me to be here with you. I mark that time as the beginning of a very long download of the new software Richard Rohr talks about. It’s still in process … and the time remaining is measured in years, not minutes, that little timer icon is turning very slowly. One other place I have noticed all or nothing thinking is in our church life. It looks like this: either we hold church, here in the place, the way we always have done, or we close. This certainly simplifies the situation and yet it fails to take in a whole range of possibilities. For instance:
The software download of step 11, Rohr says, switches us from trying to please God through our prayers, to becoming a receiver station. We can receive God’s wonderful vision of a new heaven and a new earth with this software. Yes, it will be disruptive. Our old apps will stop working, the former things will be forgotten. We will have to do things in new ways. But, my friends, it will be wonderful. What better affirmation of step 11 than that it will lead us to God’s vision for us, here in this place, and for our world? All we need is the courage to become something new, the courage to download the new software. May all God’s courageous people say, Amen [1] Rohr, Richard. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (p. 94). Franciscan Media. Kindle Edition. [2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201906/all-or-nothing-thinking-in-addiction Keep Calm and Carry On Preached at Wollaston Congregational Church On November 10th 2019 Scripture: 2 Thessalonians 2:1-5, 13-17 I’m just back from the United Kingdom, where I enjoyed visiting with family and taking in the northern English late autumn. We retreated for a few days to a place at the foot of the Yorkshire Dales National Park, where the fall colors are more mellow than New England but beautiful in their own way. But the bright red slogan “keep calm and carry on” on coffee cups, T shirts, and tea pots that I saw in tourist shops was not so mellow. “Keep Calm and Carry On” is an expression is taken from a World War II propaganda poster that was never widely distributed. The posters would have been displayed if a Nazi invasion had been imminent. The intent was to encourage people of Britain to remain calm and go about their business. Fortunately the invasion did not happen. But, for better or worse, Britons generally do keep calm and carry on in the face of adversity. Our epistle passage this morning is an extract of a letter to the early church. This letter was written at a time when the apostles were attempting to maintain consistent teaching in the many new churches of Asia minor. False teachings had the potential to send a church community into panic. And it seems that this is the case in the Thessalonian church to whom this letter is addressed. Someone has been going about saying that the return of Christ has already happened. And this is causing great anxiety. The author of second Thessalonians essentially writes “keep calm and carry on.” He reminds the church that the dramatic events anticipated before Christ’s return have not yet come about. He tells them to “not to be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, [to] stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that [they] were taught … by word of mouth or by … letter.” Then he blesses them, praying that their hearts will be comforted and strengthened “in every good work and word.” The Bible, as we know it, had not yet been put together at this time. And the traditions of this early church looked quite different from our own. Their teaching came by word of mouth and letters. And they most probably gathered in the home of a wealthy church member for worship and a communal meal eaten together. This was a counter-cultural movement, with many women in leadership, with men and women, slaves and free people, eating and worshiping together. The author of today’s letter reminds the church members that they live in an already-and-not-yet time. Jesus has already been to live among humanity, showing them and us what God-in-flesh looks like. Now he has returned to the Father, and the fulfillment of all things has not yet come about. It’s funny to look back now and imagine that the Thessalonians think that they have somehow missed the return of Christ. They think that the sky had fallen and somehow they didn’t notice it. On the other hand we go on without very much thought for Christ’s return. We’ve become complacent, living in these in-between times. We forget that 2,000 years is the mere blink of an eye when it comes to the history of the universe. And yet we do still live in the already-and-not-yet era. And if we had an early church mother of father writing to us, the instructions would be much the same. We would be reminded not to be distracted by rumors that the sky is falling and to continue in the good works to which we are called. Sometimes our daily news seems full of apocalyptic-type events that impact our world. We hear that we are close to the point of no return, as climate change accelerates and global temperatures rise. Species, like the polar bear, are threatened. Those who live in the most fragile environments, most often the very poor, are already suffering terribly. We hear that former alliances and political systems are breaking down. Britain’s exit from the European union has repercussions in that continent and around the world. While leaders struggle to work out a deal, many people struggle in the uncertainty and fears of probable depravations. And we hear stories of displaced people from many lands migrating to countries that seem safer and more prosperous. In 2018 more than 10 million people migrated permanently or temporarily to G20[1] countries. We know that many of these immigrants and migrants have perilous journeys. And they are often refused entry at their destination. Indeed, it is important that we pay attention to what is going on in our world. We are called, as Christians, to notice when the poor and marginalized are threatened and when creation is being abused. We are called to pray, to act, and to influence decisions with God’s purposes in mind. And still, we are not called to panic. Instead we are reminded to keep calm and carry on doing the good work to which we are called. Keeping calm, if possible, is a good strategy. It enables us to think clearly both as individuals and as a group. If we panic, our fight or flight response will engage our amygdala or reptilian brain. This helps us to evade danger in the short term. But remaining calm will allow us to access our more developed brain and provide us with creative responses to a given situation. Speaking spiritually, this allows us to listen to one another and to discern God’s purposes for us and our congregation. This week we have reached step 10 in the 12 step process of our fall sermon series. Step 10 says “[that we] continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” In many ways step 10 says “carry on doing what we were already doing. It is not yet over.” We are to keep on doing the good work of personal inventory and self-awareness. Keep on examining our lives, and confessing when we are in the wrong. Sometimes, though, carrying on is not the best strategy. Continuing doing the same thing is helpful if that thing is working: if we are progressing toward a particular goal. The mistake we often make, as humans, is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Some say that this is a definition of insanity. And carrying on doing the same thing that is not working is also a definition of an addictive behavior. Carrying on doing the same thing that is not working is often the product of anxiety. We don’t know what else to do. We are not calm enough to take the time to discern God’s purposes, and so we do the same thing to fill the void. Along with our sermon series here at Wollaston Congregational Church, we have been holding congregational discussions on the reality of our church’s situation. We have been looking from the perspective of finance, the church building, and attendance. This is a kind of congregational personal inventory. We need to check in with ourselves, with one another and with God, and ask: Are we still doing the good work we are called to in this community? Or are some of the things we keep doing leading to the same disappointing outcome? We meet for worship each week on Sunday morning, with the provision of sermon, power-point presentation and a professional standard of musical accompaniment. We gather in this substantial sanctuary that was designed to accommodate hundreds of worshipers. We go downstairs for coffee in hall designed for 100-200 people and we heat the entire building during the chilly winter months. And still, we serve somewhere between 16 and 25 worshipers most Sundays. Some members have been concerned that raising these issues may cause anxiety. It’s true that if we adopt an alarmist “the sky is falling” attitude, people might get anxious. And yet it is necessary for us to face reality. It is important for us to enter into our discussions calmly, and resist the temptation to panic. Our best thinking, as well as our best spiritual discernment, is always done from a place of calmness. If we find anxiety rising up, we can tackle it with spiritual practices such as slow breathing and meditation. Do not fear, I have a whole toolkit of practices to help with this. We may look at taking a personal inventory from an individual level or a communal level. On an individual level, I have noticed that people in their later years are drawn to the work they need to do in order to complete their life journey. Often they feel the need to tell the stories they haven’t told before. During my time as a chaplain to people in eldercare, my advisor suggested I encouraged some residents to make an “ethical will.” This is something the elders would write for loved ones in order to pass along their personal values and stories as well as confessing their regrets. It is something like a personal inventory. On my next visit I asked a woman in her late nineties if she had an interest in making this kind of life review. I offered to serve as secretary in the process, as she had difficulties with her vision. She chuckled a little and seemed to think it was a strange suggestion. But, then, her eyes drifted to a different time and place. She told me a story of the time in her 20’s when she went on strike from her factory job for better pay and conditions. I imagined her grandchildren and great grandchildren would be quite surprised to learn that their petite matriarch had had the courage to go on strike! It was clear that she had some important experiences and values to pass on to those young ones. On a communal level, as a congregation, we may be thinking along these lines. We may wish to review our life together both in living memory and what came before. We may remember the good work that was done through ministries that no longer exist. And we may identify the strong ministries that still are working, such as provisions for recovery groups, hosting of youth missions trips, and the All Hands In sewing ministry for formerly trafficked women. We may see these as the things that will be passed down to future generations. Friends, the church addressed in our reading today no longer exists in its first century form. But there is certainly a great Christian presence in Thessalonica and Greece as a whole. And the Church of Jesus Christ lives on around the world. Perhaps we can credit the Thessalonians for keeping calm and carrying on, in the midst of anxiety provoking rumors. They continued doing the good work they were called to do for their generation. And so may we continue doing the good work we are called to do for this generation. May all God’s people say Amen [1] https://www.oecd.org/migration/mig/G20-migration-and-displacement-trends-and-policies-report-2019.pdf Making a List, A Story Preached at Wollaston Congregational Church On October 26th, 2019 Scripture: Luke 18:9-14 Step 8 [That we had] made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. A Story … Scene 1 Sunday morning at the church: Early Sunday morning in a congregational church in somewhere USA, church elder, Tom, opens the sanctuary. He breathes in the atmosphere of the place, taking in the precious silence before the choir and the first worshipers arrive. His family has belonged in this place for many generations. As he begins the preparations for worship, he runs his hand along the surface of the communion table crafted by his great grandfather. He looks over the choir stalls, where he remembers his mother and aunts singing God’s praises. He turns to look up at the balcony, where his grandmother always insisted the family would be seated. His mind flits to the scene he saw as he drove by the church on Wednesday evening. The 12 step recovery group had been going in to the church basement. There had been more people there than would be here at the Sunday service, he guessed. This morning he had speedily swept up the cigarette butts some of them had left outside the basement door. As he turns to the altar and takes in the mighty stained glass window, he gives thanks. Thank you, God, that I am not in that same situation as those miserable addicts. Thank you that you have guided me my whole life in the ways of the church, you have given me productive work to do here in this place. Thank you for giving me the resources, from our family business, to pledge generously. Thank you that our family has worshiped here for generations and continues to do so now. For a moment a shadow nudges him in his holy place. His wife, Sarah, had been lying in bed as he left the house. She didn’t feel like coming to church this morning, pleading a headache. He didn’t know what was going on, but maybe it had something to do with what he said to her last night. And their son, Tristan, a typical moody 14 year old, had retreated into his room to play video games these past few months. What was going on there? Why didn’t the teenager step up and do his part, as Tom had done as a kid? The shadows nudge even more. An troubling memory surfaces of Tom’s mother weeping on Sunday morning, together with a vision of his father’s back as he stepped out of the house. He hears his father taunting “pull yourself together, woman, I expect to see you at church ready to rehearse with the choir. Don’t let us down. And there’ll be no talk of this with pastor either. Don’t think you can go running to him!” These memories are unwelcome, he pushes them down. “Gratitude, gratitude” becomes his mantra. He recites the list he has memorized: “God, country, church … thank you for everything God. Thank you for making me who I am, thank you for making this place what it is, through the strength you gave me and my forebears.” Now we travel back in time a few days for Scene 2, last Wednesday evening at the church: Jerry shuffles into the Wednesday AA meeting, dropping his cigarette butt after one last drag and rubbing his nose on his cuff. The group assembles on the chairs circled up in the brightly lit basement. Coffee is brewing and Styrofoam cups are stacked ready for the taking. Not everyone in this meeting looks alike. Some appear to be successful business men and women, others have no work and lay down at night at the local homeless shelter. Some are barely more than teenagers, with pink and blue hair. There are elderly, young and in-between. Some are white and working class, they’ve been in this neighborhood a couple of generations. Others are dark-skinned, and some speak with accents from other lands. They are all there for a common purpose. Sometimes the pastor of the church comes to the meeting. Pastor Mike tells them that he is in recovery too. He says he often enjoys their Wednesday evenings better than church. And he says the group reminds him of the “kingdom of God.” Jerry can’t figure that one out. Pastor Mike says he’s grateful for a place where the members speak the real and honest truth. Jerry doesn’t understand why this guy still works for the church, but Pastor Mike says that the religious folk need a message of hope and forgiveness too. Jerry didn’t have much time for religion or God before he came to AA. In his home he’d only learned of a vengeful, punishing God. His parents brought him to a church that looked a lot like the sanctuary upstairs. He can’t stand to go in there. It reminds him too much of those Sundays sitting uncomfortably in the pew. His dad’s arm around his shoulders. Anyone looking on saw affection, he felt is father squeeze his should so hard he left a bruise. His dad would threaten him and his mom: they must keep up appearances or God would punish them. One word from them to the pastor about what was going on at home and dad wouldn’t wait – he would deal out the punishment. A year ago, after his first AA meeting, Jerry had walked out with his sponsor. Jerry told the sponsor that he couldn’t do God. And so his sponsor had asked him, “can you imagine something greater than yourself?” Jerry had looked up at the star filled sky and replied, “yes, of course.” And so the sponsor had told him simply to think of that higher power, if God language didn’t work for him. Tonight they go around the room. When it comes to his turn he says “I am Jerry and I am an alcoholic.” “Hi Jerry” the group responds. Jerry weeps as he tells his story: an abusive father, also alcoholic, who beat his mother. Jerry tells the story of how, as a child, he sat on the stairs trembling in fear, when his father “worked late.” He’d wait, holding his breath until his dad would stagger home drunk and abusive. He told of his shame over landing in the exact same place as his father. Thank you Higher Power for Bill Wilson, AA and one-day-at-a-time. “I sunk so low I stole from my elderly mother,” he says. “I wasn’t there for my wife when she needed me. She went through a complicated pregnancy and birth without me. I don’t even know my own child. I can’t even count the people I have harmed, but I’m beginning to work on step 8. Oh God! I hope they can forgive me.” And so we shift back to Sunday morning at the church for scene 3: The choir sits down following the anthem and Pastor Mike stands up to face the congregation from the high pulpit. From the lay leader’s seat beside the lectern, Tom notices that Sarah did make it to church and is seated with the choir. As Pastor Mike begins his sermon, Tom gives an inward sigh. He’s heard the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in the temple a hundred times. The message is “be humble” right? Why be so long-winded about it? Pastor Mike is doing a sermon series on the 12 steps of recovery this fall and Tom is not pleased. He’s tired of hearing about Pastor Mike’s 20 years sober. He’s tired of stories from the Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and their ways. What about the people who are not in recovery? What about the good Christians like himself? Is it too much to ask for a little encouragement from time to time? He mentally checks out of the sermon, until he notices Sarah in the choir stalls. She is writing something down on a paper. Ah, yes, Pastor Mike is talking about step 8 and telling the congregation to make a list of those we have harmed. What about making a list of those who have harmed us? Tom could think of a few of those folk right now. The service continues. Tom rises for the doxology, and delivers the prayer of dedication. “Thank you God for these gifts, we pray you use them for your work in the world.” He spies his own substantial check in the midst of a few small notes. What would this congregation do without him and his family? Pastor Mike pronounces the benediction, there is a rousing organ postlude and the sanctuary empties out. As usual Tom is left to tidy things up. He can hear the chatter of coffee hour downstairs and inwardly gives thanks for a few moments of peace. Working his way through the choir stall he notices a scrap of paper that has fallen to the ground. He’s surprised to see Sarah’s handwriting and reads: Pastor Mike, please help! I don’t think I can go on much longer. My family is falling apart and I don’t know which way to turn. Mariela invited me to her 12-step program but Tom will go into a rage if I tell him I want to go. He doesn’t want me airing our dirty laundry. I have been holding this in for so long. I feel so ashamed for the harm I have brought on Tom and Tristan. I feel as though I am falling into a downward spiral. I feel so alone and depressed, and then I drink. Then I feel ashamed that I drank so much, I get more depressed and I drink more. I am failing as a wife and a mother and I can’t stop. Oh God have mercy on me! And Tom sits down right there in the choir stall and holds his head in his hands. He weeps and cries out “Oh God, have mercy on me!” The End. Amen |
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April 2022
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