Feelings are Mentionable and Manageable Preached for Wollaston Congregational Church On February 28th, 2021 Scripture: Mark 8:31-38 This morning we read a story from the gospel of Mark, that tells of an interaction between Jesus and the disciple, Peter. And we are also thinking about the second secret of the Mr. Rogers Effect: validating feelings. The story and the second secret do not seem to have much in common at first glance. Until we notice that Jesus and Peter experience anger in our passage. This is mentioned by the writer as a simple matter of fact. And we remember that Fred Rogers’ said that feelings are mentionable and manageable, even those feelings we think of as “ugly”, like anger. We have been reading from the gospel of Mark these past few weeks. This is a spare, matter of fact gospel. It is the earliest of the four gospels, closest to the eye-witness accounts and oral traditions that came directly from the life of Jesus. The passage we read today comes later in the gospel. Jesus has already traveled the countryside between Galilee and Jerusalem, teaching, healing, casting out demons, and feeding the multitudes. His ministry has been with the rural poor of his time, he has been inspiring them with messages of hope. The healings in Mark's gospel are not showy spectacles. Their purpose is to restore disabled, suffering people to a place of dignity in society. These events have been demonstrations of what God intends for the people: recognition of their suffering, and restoration of themselves and their hope for the future. The disciples have been focused on what was right in front of them, but Jesus has been carefully observing what is going on in higher places. He notices the Pharisees and the scribes from Jerusalem paying close attention to what he is doing. And he is aware that John the Baptist has been executed by Herod. He hears that Herod fears that Jesus is John come back to life. At this point, Jesus is well aware of the danger of his continued ministry of hope and healing. At this point he tells the disciples that he is the long expected Messiah, but they must tell no one. Jesus’ being Messiah doesn’t mean the greatness and glory that the disciples are hoping for … at least, not yet. It means that Jesus must undergo great suffering. He will be rejected and disowned by the temple authorities, and be killed – and then in three days he will rise again. Peter objects. This isn’t what he signed on for. He signed on for positivity and glory. Peter is the voice in all of us that wants to avoid the ugly stuff of humanity. Peter wants to prepare the world for Jesus’ greatness, he isn’t ready for Jesus’s suffering. He isn’t ready to walk alongside Jesus to the cross, weeping with Jesus and sharing in his pain. Peter would prefer to go from pancakes and sausage on Mardi Gras to the chocolate and flowers on Easter. Peter doesn’t like the painful times of Lent and Holy Week in-between the festivals. Peter gets angry because he doesn’t want to accept the reality that Jesus will suffer and die. He rebukes Jesus, who also gets angry and rebukes Peter in return. Peter wants to avoid the painful ugly stuff of humanity, but he can’t. It is surfacing right here, as Jesus cries out “get behind me, Satan!” Fred Rogers had a saying “feelings are mentionable and manageable.” Mr. Rogers did not shy away from the most difficult feelings on his TV show for children … instead “he fearlessly plunged headlong into topics rarely spoken of, such as loneliness, sadness, divorce, anger and much more.” [1] Before the era of Mr. Rogers’ TV show and groundbreaking research in child development, it was generally assumed that children do not have a full range of emotions. It was assumed that children’s feelings are not as intense as adults. Perhaps you, like me, grew up at a time, or in a family, when children were scolded for being sad or angry or for crying too much. It’s strange to think that children were expected to have better control over their anger or their sadness than adults. When a child is told that a particular emotion is unacceptable, they do not stop having that feeling, but they learn not to express it. This is the classic definition of depression: burying emotions like anger and sadness. Perhaps you, like me, were sent out to play with the other children when there was a death in the family and the grown ups needed to make arrangements. While the adults grieved, the children were expected to go on with life as though nothing had happened. Fred Rogers realized that children needed to express their difficult emotions. He concluded that what can be mentioned can be managed. The first step was to encourage children and adults to talk about what they were feeling with someone else. Rogers validated all of his viewers’ feelings: it’s OK to be angry, it’s OK to be scared, it’s OK to cry. But it’s not OK to express our anger or sadness or fear by harming or hurting ourselves or others. Mr. Roger’s song “What do you do with the mad that you feel?” posed a unique question for children of his time. It reminded them that they have feelings … that they are not ruled by their feelings. This is a major developmental milestone for young children. Author, Anita Kuhnley says “If children grow up learning how to regulate their feelings, they emerge as adults who are able to regulate their feelings. If they grow up resorting to violence or substances to regulate feelings, then it is more difficult to adopt new coping skills during adulthood.” [2] Of course, adults ought to know that they have feelings. And still, if someone has never been allowed to acknowledge anger, fear, or sadness, they will not have any experience in managing these things. Managing our emotions is known as emotional regulation, something that Fred Rogers did very well. This did not happen that automatically, or simply because Fred Rogers was a “good person.” As Kuhnley points out, “Rogers had at least seven ‘built in’ practices that helped him to mention and manage his own emotions.” These days the practice of “putting on our own oxygen mask first” is known as self-care. Rogers’ self-care included: having someone to talk to, spending time in nature, seeking regular solitude, reading regularly for inspiration, expressing himself artistically, encouraging himself, resting. I recommend practices like these, for our spiritual journeys this Lent. Perhaps you have already made plans to read from scripture for inspiration each day, or to use a form of art to express yourself, or you’ve made a commitment to exercise outdoors in nature. Have you remembered that you also need rest? And most important of all, do you have someone to talk to about your own feelings: trusted friends or family members, perhaps a therapist, or even your pastor? It is entirely appropriate for every one of us to have experienced all kinds of emotions, even ugly ones, over this past year of the pandemic. We have been experiencing the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These are not linear stages, each may come and go at any time as we grieve. This Sunday, as we observe the deaths of at least 500,000 Americans from COVID 19, anger, even anger at God, over the pandemic and its impact is understandable. Our faith tradition makes it clear: anger at God is OK. The book of the Psalms, in our Bible, contains many songs or poems that express anger. These are Psalms of Lament, which begin with anger at God or an unnamed enemy, and resolve themselves in lament and praise. In the end, lament is anger that has been appropriately channeled. We arrive at a place where we can sit with anger, or grief, or fear, or sadness, and simply accept it. Some years ago, when I was serving as Moderator in my home church, my pastor asked me to call a long-time member, Jeff, who was upset over some changes that the church council was making. I was concerned about speaking with Jeff, who was a former Moderator himself, who had power in the congregation. Not only that, his feedback was coming from a breakfast group, made up of other long-time members. But when I called Jeff, he was very gracious. He said “Liz, I know you need to make these changes … don’t worry about me and the breakfast group. We were just lamenting the changes of the times.” This was the best gift that Jeff could give, modeling the transformation of his anger to lament, and accepting the things that needed to change. And so, we return to our gospel story for today. In Jesus’s time there was no psychology, and no “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood”, of course. And yet we generally encounter Jesus as emotionally regulated in the gospel. We observe him doing some of those practices Fred Rogers used to employ. We see Jesus taking time away in solitude to pray, we see him going up into the hills, or going out across the lake. We hear him confiding his feelings in his heavenly father. In today’s story, we observed an interaction between Jesus and Peter, in which both men become angry. It is mentioned as a matter of fact. Looking at the exchange between Jesus and Peter, I suspect Peter is scared. I suspect that fear is underneath his anger: the things that Jesus tells him are worrying and upsetting him. And I suspect that Jesus is sad. He is realizing that his disciples are not in the same place as he is. They are not ready to accept what must be. Jesus will probably have to continue his walk to Jerusalem alone with his feelings, until, well a little later, there is someone who shares his burden. Even for Jesus that must have been a scary prospect. But then it’s OK to be scared, it’s OK to be angry, and it’s OK to cry. May all God’s people say, Amen [1] Kuhnley, Anita Knight . The Mister Rogers Effect (p. 62). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. [2] Kuhnley, Anita Knight . The Mister Rogers Effect (p. 61). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
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