Preached on February 3rd, 2019 At Wollaston Congregational Church Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 Today we heard a very familiar passage: Paul’s hymn on love, written to the Corinthian church. You’ve probably heard this passage read at more than one wedding. This hymn of Paul’s is certainly beautiful and poetic, lifting up the highest ideals of human love. And yet I’ve heard it said that this reading is popular for weddings, also, because there is no mention of God or Jesus Christ. In spite of this, those of us who heard last week’s reading, the passage preceding this one, and the upcoming readings from Paul’s letter know that he is all about God’s love made know in Jesus. Paul is not writing to an engaged couple but to a church in conflict: not an unusual situation. It is hard for the Corinthian church to figure out how Christianity works, in this their metropolis, belonging to the Greco-Roman culture, with people from many different backgrounds. The tendency, among those who belong to the privileged classes is to set themselves up as “over” the others. They are used to being in this position. They talk about their superior “gifts” whether they are educated in many languages of the time, or possess particular spiritual gifts like prophecy or speaking in tongues. Paul points to a more excellent gift – a gift that everyone can attain – which is the gift of love. And he defines this gift for them, not in terms of feelings, but in terms of what love does, and how to identify it. He teaches them that love must be at the center of their community church. They are to exemplify the selfless love of Christ, both among one another and in the community. This is quite a high ideal the Corinthians and for us today, even as the challenges we face are quite different. Sometimes I hear people talk of “unconditional love”, and this is central to how Paul describes what love looks like. Love doesn’t depend on the behavior of the beloved. There is nothing the beloved can do to take away the love. They don’t have to meet any demands or conditions. A few years ago I was with a group of youth on a retreat, and communion was being served. Some of the teenagers were in a questioning time. They weren’t sure about their faith, and they were visibly uncomfortable with the idea of the communion. I wondered if they feared that their doubts were somehow displeasing to God. The presider turned to them one by one, saying their names … “Alison, God loves you and there’s nothing you can do about it … Brad, God loves you and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I could see the kids relax. They could question and they could challenge all they liked. Nothing could change God’s love for them, because Gods love comes without conditions. When the phrase “unconditional love” comes up, the question “Is there any other kind of love?” comes to mind. Of course, there isn’t. If my loving you depends upon you meeting a condition of mine, how is that love? The Ancient Greeks categorized different kinds of love. For the Greeks Eros is romantic love, Philia is deep friendship, or familial love. Paul is writing about Agape, which is all-encompassing love, love for all creatures. The Greeks compartmentalize too much for my taste, though. In the end love is love is love. Our love for our romantic partners, our love for our family members and friends, our love for members of our community: it’s all love. If we only love those who love us back, we are missing the point of Paul’s hymn. True love seeks only the good of the one who is loved. It expects nothing in return. It is patient; it is kind; it is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. And, what Paul does not say … it is hard – really hard. It takes courage and resilience and wisdom. We probably have not experienced true love in many of our relationships. Humans aim for these goals, but they seem unattainable. Paul reminds us that love will not be made perfectly manifest until all things are complete, when all will be understood. In the meantime, we can live and grow in love. We can practice, practice, practice. We can reflect on our past attempts, critically but with compassion for ourselves. We can remind ourselves that we are forgiven and that we can begin again. We can discover more about ourselves, and how we can be our best selves in our relationships. And we can call others to be their best selves, through our love for them. The purest kind of love I have ever experienced has been my love for my children. I was privileged to give birth and feel love for them from the moment they were placed in my arms. I was able to delight in recognizing their great-Grandma’s dimpled nose and their Grandpa’s scrunchy eyes, their fuzzy hair – so slow to grow in - and their tiny toes. Our three babies were all healthy, happy and easy to love. The action of love was demanding and also natural. Getting my still-tender body out of bed for the nighttime feedings, which went on and on and on; picking them up when they fell; comforting them when they were sick; rocking them when we were all exhausted but they couldn’t fall asleep. It was tiring but instinctive. I am so moved to have seen friends and family members bring children into their lives through fostering and adoption. Without the benefit of familial connections, they have shown the same kind of selfless love. I did not succeed in selfless love all the time, though, even for my children. As they grew, there were times when I snapped at them because I was irritated and tired. I was absurdly impatient with our son as a little one, because he took off and misplaced his socks each lunchtime, and we couldn’t find them when we needed to go out. Yes, parenting, does not always bring out the best in ourselves. Still, caring for children, whether as a family member, as a teacher, as a friend or mentor, is a great practice of love. Through all the ways young ones challenge us, they also keep our focus on the ideal: “Love seeks the good of the one who is loved.” As our children grew, the best advice I ever received was the reminder that “you are their mother not their friend.” To make the wisest most loving decisions as a mother, I had to step back from my desire to be liked by my children. Sometimes I had to say “no”, sometimes I had to ruin the fun, sometimes I had to have the presence of mind to see where things were headed and say “stop!” And I learned, as time went by, that the desire to be liked can be a hindrance to love in adult relationships too. And sometimes, in our daily lives and in our life at church we are called upon to exhibit “tough love.” And this brings us to boundaries. Sometimes boundaries are necessary for tough love. A boundary is simply knowing where you end the other person starts. A boundary prevents you from becoming fused with the one you love. A boundary prevents you from taking Paul’s passage and allowing it to justify the behavior of an abusive person in your life. Making a boundary is loving, because allowing abusive or manipulative behavior in another prevents that person from being their best self. Boundaries allow the other person to be their most loving toward you. Here we are in difficult territory. It is possible to use the excuse of a boundary to withhold love from another when the going gets tough. And still sometimes, to impose the boundary, it is necessary to stop seeing or speaking to the other. This must be done wisely and carefully, possibly with professional advice. Some time ago, I spent time with two young sisters who were dealing with a manipulative mother who was slipping into alcoholism. They loved their mother, of course, and enjoyed her company when she was healthy and well. At this time, though, she was suffering from mental illness. She demanded the daughter’s attention day and night. She interrupted their work and woke them up at night with texts and phone calls. When they did not respond she threatened suicide and if they challenged her drinking, she pushed them away. Gradually, they learned to make their own boundaries. They learned that, for their own sanity, they needed to entrust their mom to the care of professionals and God. It wasn’t easy, it was tough love. But love is love is love. Paul’s beautiful words are probably ingrained in our memories and associated with those weddings we have attended. Like many of the Bible passages we read it is plucked from its original setting. And so this passage needs context and interpretation. Here is Paul’s list of the qualities of love – his description of what loves looks like - elaborated for our context. Perhaps this version is a little more truthful about the challenges we face in love, whether we are beginning life together in marriage, or simply building relationships in our communities and in our church: Love is patient, giving the loved one all the time they need, without expecting love in return. Love is kind, and also love is tough. Love believes in the image of God in the one who is beloved and love desires only that loved one become their best God-created self. Love rejoices in the truth. Love does not enable addictions or abuse, love challenges denial, love calls the beloved to face the truth. Love bears loss with grief and sadness, if the loved one chooses to end the relationship. Love hopes for the best for the loved one, even when things seem impossible. Love endures. It has to, because there are other forces at work, in the lives of people, that will seek to cut off our persistent, enduring love. True love is difficult, true love is tough, true love requires resilience. Love seeks out help when it is needed, from professionals, from our fellow church members, from our friends. We’ll get there if we practice, practice, practice. And when we fail along the way, God provides us with forgiveness and with hope. May all God’s people say … Amen
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